What I Learned Today

I am unimportant.
I am a waste of space.
I am a package.
I am only worth what I can bring to the table.
I can bring nothing to the table.
I am a regret.
I have no future.
I deserve to be left on skid-row.
I deserve to be killed.
I deserve to die.
I am smart.
I am a retard.
I am the worst person.
I deserve to be crushed.
I will gain nothing in life.
No one loves me.
No one likes me.
No one ever has.
I am a burden.
I am one of the best.
I have so much potential.

What I believe:
I am nothing.
I am stupid.
This is a mind-game.
I'm winning because I know it.
I'm losing because it's been happening for thirteen years.
The game has not changed.
They have gotten to me.
I will not make it to twenty-three.
I will be killed.

My God, I hope not.

Shrapnel

So as a continuation of my last thing, in April, my boyfriend did move. He moved up North, five hours away. It's actually been going okay with him. I'm not worried and he knows I'm jealous as fuck but everything's been going okay. He found out that I'm bi and now is jealous of every single new person I meet (and lately there's been at least one a month so I feel bad) but everything is okay with him. He knows that I love him. He knows that I'm in love with him and my mother-dearest got him thinking about marriage.

Not kidding.

Whenever she introduces him it's as my 'husband' or 'future husband' so he asked something about marriage one day. The truth is I'm actually somewhat terrified of commitment. I've been doing well in this relationship and everything but I can't help but fear that if I was entirely 100% married and everything was like that I would freak the fuck out. It just makes me think of this book I read, "Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult, where the mother runs off even though she loved the father because she just felt so trapped. I guess I'm thinking worse case scenario and I don't want to be like that.

Mostly I don't want to get married before I can legally drink.
Is that stupid?
I really, actually, don't think so.

I may be looking into the medical field for work instead of being an English teacher. Regardless I really think I'd like it but... there's just so much... so many people in my family telling me not to do that. I think I would make an excellent teacher. It's mostly just because of the things they say about attention disorder and all the emotional stuff. The thing is that I really think that I can handle that. Well, I'm one of the few I guess. Me and a few friends.

But the point of the name of this one... I've been thinking a lot about this word. Two friends are fighting. They fight a lot and everything but this one's lasted longer than usual. Once they get over their Pride I know they'll be able to work it out just like every other time but this time it's actually hurt the people around them a bit more I've noticed.

The definition of 'Shrapnel' is: Fragments of a bomb, shell, or other object thrown out by an explosion.

This fight has had a lot more shrapnel than usual.

I know one of them tends to get angry when she's upset. It's a defense mechanism. I can understand that. It's not weird or strange. It just makes sense.The issue with anger is when you let it build up then throw it at everyone around you to the point of insulting other people or making them feel like less than they are. It isn't meant to harm people, but neither is a bomb aimed at destroying one area.

That's where shrapnel comes in.

The other deals with it by getting upset. In some cases this one is strange. It gets to this point where everything they're dealing with loses the glamour and shine of the world and the colors around them dim, literally. In cases like this is gets to this point where they talk about how amazing the person is to the point where you sit there and stare and go '...I do that for you, too...' They're just getting out their feelings but it can hit you, too.

So my thoughts on shrapnel in a friend's argument is when they're so mad at each other they go to great lengths to ignore each other and you get hit with their emotions instead.

It isn't safe for everyone and everyone gets hit in the end.

I've been feeling more depressed lately. Generally upset with the world and everything in it. The colors and lights are literally starting to lose their beauty to me. Everything seems to be fading to this sort of black and white again.

I know I've been here before and it goes away eventually but, as someone told me recently, getting there sucks.

I've grown very close to two people recently. Or perhaps I should say they've grown very close to me. I hold them dear to my heart in a way that scares me. Recently discovering that if either of them were to tell me to tell them something, unless I swore to someone I wouldn't, I would tell them. I want to hide nothing from them. They don't deserve that. They deserve so much beauty and light and hope in this fucked up world.

One was hating on herself last night.

So I did what I do best.

Told her all the things I loved and saw in her. Embarrassed her.

It helped, apparently. This makes me happy. Knowing that I may actually be able to help someone every once in a while. You can't save a people from themselves but I hope to at least provide a cushion against the outside world.

I hope to God it works sometimes.

I had a dream that started a few years ago with three adorable children. Two girls and a boy. Sparing the details I can say that it ended with me being the mother.

Recently my mother had a dream where she went shoe shopping with a girl she believed to be my daughter. The child she described to me matched the description of the eldest child in my dreams. When I said the name Anabel she jumped and said that that was her name.

The name I hope to name my future daughter.

Frightening, isn't it?

The only comfort is the moving of the river 
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips 
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get Only a fool's here to stay - Sarah McLachlan (Ice)

Just to get most of it out there.

I like when you're listening to a song and the person has probably never heard it but they accidentally end up tapping along to the beat of it for a few moments. It's interesting.

Anyway! I just went back and looked at all of my earlier posts and I love how when you look back you can see all the things you've done that were lame or stupid or childish but then it gets to this point when you realize that everything you're dealing with now, was still there when you made that. You were just better at ignoring it.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about elementary school. How I was late to the first day of Kindergarten because no one helped me. How there were these three guys who spoke Spanish in my class and how I became their main target. How from around like First to Fourth grade I was constantly asked "Are you a boy or a girl?" by kids who meant for it to sound mean, just because I had short hair and tended to like sports a lot and was half-ass decent at them (which means I was better than pretty much all the girls). About how people teased me and taunted me for doing things that were just part of my personality or were a habit, like turning around when I talk to talking in circles just to get to the answer of a question someone asked me. How there was that boy in my first grade class who kept asking to hold my hand or put his hand on my thigh or touch me in general and how my best friend at the time (Jake) was always there to get in the middle of it. How sometimes when I went over to Jake's house it'd be fun and we'd hang out but then one of the first times I was there he wanted to play 'Doctor' and while I didn't acquiesce with pretty much anything he told me to do it made me feel uncomfortable. But he was my best friend.

It was all these things that just kept happening and made me hate elementary school and made me never want to go there ever again. It all adds up for a kid.

I remember transferring in the middle of fifth grade and being so happy because of it. I would make new friends and kids wouldn't be mean to me or anything like that. Of course that wasn't entirely true but it was nice to believe something like that. Middle School was okay when it came to being teased or taunted. It was easier than Elementary and I definitely didn't hate it as much. It was mostly bad in fifth grade then it became this weird thing of sometimes I was being teased and sometimes I wasn't. It was just odd.

Aside from that I was also thinking about sexuality a lot. It's something I've honestly been thinking about quite a bit and everything but I was thinking about this time that I was talking to a friend about someone I had met and had just become almost best friends with and she jokingly said: "Maybe you have a crush on her ;D"

I flipped the fuck out.

Not because she was implying I might be a lesbian or because I was against it or anything. No. It was because at that time especially I had been fighting with that idea myself. I wasn't sure if she was just an amazing friend or if I actually was developing a crush on her. However, I wasn't as terrified by the idea that I might be Bisexual or Gay or anything. It was the idea of what would happen to me if I was? I was very certain that Steven would kick me out of the house if I turned out to be something that wasn't straight, and he had told me as such the year before.

Now that I think about it, it was a bit of both. But I remembered that thought process yesterday. That entirely terrifying thought process. I have a boyfriend now but I'm pretty sure if I even mentioned what happened all those years ago he would still look at me differently for a while.

Which kind of leads me in to this: I'm pretty sure he wanted a boy. And by pretty sure? I mean that he called me boy at least once a year since I was at least ten. It's because of what happened recently that got me thinking on this.

We were getting me some new clothes and due to my size (in all different ways) the best clothes that fit me are the boys clothes and the women's cloths. Well. The women's clothes have shitty designs and the boys clothes are comfortable, so I went with the boys clothes. As we were walking over to them he said:

"Alright, well. Lead the way boy-girl."

He completely failed at trying to correct himself. It was just sad, really.

It got me thinking about how in fifth grade and quite a bit of middle school I was getting really in to basketball. The second he found out he started trying to teach me and get me better and better at it until I was actually pretty decent. Then he still didn't stop until I joined the school team (which never happened that year) and he kept trying to get me to enjoy basketball. At first it was okay. I did. I liked going out and playing basketball and I was finally doing something with my dad. Then it got to this point where I hated it because he was mean and wouldn't let me stop until I did certain things and he didn't understand why I couldn't do this or that because my height shouldn't affect that and my upper body strength shouldn't affect that and I was in karate but it didn't matter if I was exhausted from the lessons because I had to get in to basketball.

Or there was the quad incident when I kept telling my mom and Steven "I don't want to. I have a bad feeling about this. I have a really bad feeling about this. I'm going to get hurt." My mom, at one point, actually told me:

"I'm older than you and my intuition is stronger. You're going to be fine."

And she sent me out. Steven started me next to this six foot deep ditch. Yeah. You can see where this is going. I remember starting it. Blacking out and then waking up under the quad in the ditch. It was miraculous. I had borrowed one of their helmets and was wearing a short sleeved shirt. I didn't have a scratch on me and if anything I had a minor concussion. My first thought was "Where am I?" and my second was "I said I would get hurt." I stopped doing a lot of the things they wanted me to do after that. I felt like if I did I would end up sad and hurt. I still think that's a good philosophy.

I've been getting along swimmingly with Mandze, Karlie's sister. I feel like I've missed a lot when it comes to her (especially when I've known her for twelve [almost thirteen] years) but I think it's one of those things where "It's the right time now." and any earlier would have had less satisfactory results. I'm really glad that the right time is now. I think it's helping. She's been going with me to my psychologist appointments and it's been kind of interesting.

On that note, I think I've completely mind-fucked my psychologist. Sometimes she stares me me like "@_@" and like she's trying to figure out what I'm saying and it's taking a few minutes.

It entertains me, really. I like talking to her, I don't feel like I'm burdening her with all of my problems like I do everyone else.

In other news, two people I used to talk to every day I've been talking to less and less. It feels strange. Especially the fact that the one I considered a 'daughter' 'disowned' me and so to her I technically can't call her my daughter but in my head I do because it feels wrong otherwise. I still talk to one a bit! And I haven't role-played, really role-played, with them in a while I think. It feels weird and is a little depressing to think about but I have a few theories on this.

1. They know what the other one likes when it comes to role-playing, so they prefer it.

2. They're okay with switching from obsession to obsession where as I tend to stick on to one for months at a time.

3. By telling them to always tell me when something was wrong and to talk to me I may have inadvertently goten their subconscious to a point where it's something like "Oh, you're talking to her. Something must be wrong." And they start to seem a bit more depressed and then they feel a bit more depressed.

It's really just this general separation I've been waiting for for years, but it's happening more suddenly than I would have liked. I still want to meet them, I just don't want to completely lose contact with them. It tends to get a little difficult, however, when I ask a question or mention something to them and they either A. Don't respond or B. Respond with so much indifference it's palpable over the response they send me.

In an entirely unrelated point, my boyfriend is more than likely moving. He's going up north next weekend to look for jobs and to apply for jobs. No matter how many times I say it out loud or tell people (one person in particular has heard the story about six times and I feel terrible about it) it feels both like it's not real and like it's too real. I'm happy if he's happy but if he doesn't really want to do this then I don't think he should. I don't know. It's weird and my thoughts on it tend to go back and forth and fall on "I want him to do what he wants to do, I just hope that doesn't involve breaking up with me." Gods, I think that would just about kill me if he did.

I know I've said things before about love and how I don't really understand it. By all means, I still don't but I think that I'm starting to get it a little more. It lands like this: I think I would never be the same, but I don't think I'd kill myself.

I hope to never find out.

When I lay with you

I could stay there

Close my eyes

Feel you here forever

You and me together

Nothing is better - Adele "Set Fire to the Rain"

Emotions

Is it wrong of me to express what I feel? I certainly feel like it is.

I can't even get pissed when I feel I have reason to because then I get told "Don't get pissy" and if I try to express my emotions to the people online where the wording can be more refined I just get blocked or blown off. I don't feel like I can win.

It's small things. Being asked to bring something to someone when they're right next to it. Being asked to do something while I'm on the other side of the house and the person asking me is much closer.

When it comes down to it I'm just feeling really lonely right now.

There are forty-four Role Play Documents on my Gmail account right now and they are all dead or dying. On all but two of them I was the last one to post. And in the end all I get is a goddamn 'sorry' because they aren't responding because they just love the newest RP they started.

I would be fine with this if I wasn't being ignored almost every time I try to start a conversation. Sure I don't have much to contribute but it would be easier if the answers I got were more than one word. I can't even listen to certain songs without feeling depressed and they're fantastic songs that I used to love. I have a journal dedicated to the writings of one character and I haven't even written in that because it feels weird because I know that no one who is a part of the original idea really cares. I mean, sure, there's about four RPs that are going strong and I love both of those but those aren't always constantly posted in. It can be days before there's a response.

What I hate even more is that things I used to love hearing aren't affecting me anymore. Being told 'I love you' from friends does virtually nothing anymore. I feel like they're just empty words said because they used to be said all the time. I keep telling myself I'm going to stay offline and I keep coming back on because each day I hope it's going to change and I know that it won't.

I talk to my mom about this and all I'm being told is 'Make more friends' and my point is that I don't want to but I need to because what I'm actually feeling is being ignored.

I think what makes me stop talking about it is the fact that there was one time when I did express my emotions via a status on Gmail and two people who were logged on were surprised that I used the word 'fuck' multiple times and said how angry I was. They were saying that it's because of that that they always consider me 'God' because I'm never really emotional.

At the same time I'm now constantly told that a person can't talk to me when I'm angry because I don't get angry.

I don't even know if I should anymore!

My whole life has been about seeing people get angry and what happens in the end and it's destroying everything. I feel like I never got to have a full-blown idea on living because it kept changing because the people kept changing.

I can't be angry because I shouldn't be angry but when I do try to express my anger the only thing that changes is that my words become harsher. I don't lash out at anyone, I don't call people names and I'm not cruel. My words become harsher. Why can't I just sound harsh for thirty minutes without being told to 'relax' or 'stop being pissy'? Of course, the rest of them can be as emotional as they damn well please and they can lash out and they can be cruel and they can be harsh. But I can't do a damn thing because I'm emotional!

I'm just fucking lonely and now I'm mostly ignored when I try to start a conversation. I can't even earnestly research like I used to because I'm just so fucking sad all the time.

I'm not saying everyone is ignoring me. No it feels like it's mostly two-three people. Most everyone else is fine. The only reason why I'm so hurt about it is because it's two-three people that I talk to the most.

I just feel like when other people are feeling sad or hurt or upset it's okay. But... when it's me? Not a chance. I can't feel hurt or angry or upset because it's not their emotions. I almost feel like there's three or four people that I can honestly tell them that I'm upset and the worst part is I'm not even upset or angry or anything with them.

With them I'm feeling fine and great and happy just to be talking to them. For that short time everything that hurts doesn't matter.

I figure I'm just throwing everything out of proportion but I really think that's just what I'd like to do right now.

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone

All my dreams pass before my eyes in curiosity. ~ Sarah Brightman: Dust in the Wind

Yeah...

I'm just going to post on here whenever I damn well feel like it I guess.

So I suppose the real reason why I feel the sudden urge to post something is the fact that I'm worried. There's a few people in this world I feel comfortable telling everything to and that's Cici, Kay and... well I guess that's actually it. The issue I've run in to is the thing I always feared. I never told people everything because I felt it would weigh too heavily on their minds. After years and years and years of being told it wouldn't I've started to give in and just tell people. I've been sick of it and suicidal for about six years and it's gotten to a point where I mentally (and physically I guess) can not take it anymore. So I've started to tell people what's been going on in my mind, with my life, how I feel, what I want, what I wish, what I love and what I think I don't deserve.

Yeah, I guess I was right the first time.

I need to go back to bottling everything up because people are started to take what I'm saying to heart and it's starting to affect how they think and act. Because of my own stupidity with words I'm entirely unable to let them know how I was able to get from point A to point Q by actually going through all of the letters of the alphabet. The issue is when you jump from one point to the other the person you're talking to will connect them incorrectly and think you're talking point A to point B and then I have to stop and let them know that no, actually there was a few more points in there that got me there.

The second they switch your point A to Q to their own point A to B you've lost them and they're immediately starting to compare your feelings to their own and fucking themselves up in the process.

Sure. I'm kinda in love. (Trust me, this is the connected thing I was talking about). I'm completely in love and talking to the boy makes me hopeful and sad and weary and happy and excited and nervous and feel safe. I'm terrified to think too much on it.

But here's the thing.

Now that I've started to share all my emotions people are comparing their relationships to mine. They're starting to think that there's aren't perfect or wonderful or right when in fact it's what's right for them.

On top of being in love with my boy I'm terrified of the fact of things going farther than they are and faster (even if it took roughly ten and a half months for us to have our first kiss and neither of us can feel comfortable holding hands because we both very obviously need our hands to speak).

BUT here's where it all ties together.

I tell friends about my fears and my feelings and I think it's ruining what they think of themselves. I feel like a person I know is trying to find some kind of relationship because she feels useless but the truth is she's not. I feel like I've been trying to tell her I care and I want her to be happy but the biggest issue is that I can't help her deal with her own feelings when I can hardly control my own.

She likes to lean on me, physically that is, and she likes to put her head on my shoulder and quite frankly for the most part I just hate being touched. I know it hurts her a bit which is why I've been trying to turn it in to a game but I honestly hate being touched. It irritates me and makes me feel awkward and strange and weak and vulnerable even if it's her putting her forehead on my shoulder and not touching me in any other way. I just can not stand it.

Okay, I can stand holding hands sometimes. I can stand hugs from the front (back is just... God no I hate those). I can even stand someone's and on my side or lower back and even my neck. Hell, I can even stand someone's hand on my knee or thigh for certain length of time. It's just my shoulders and upper back that makes me cringe. Of course, that's not where you're supposed to feel comfortable so no one thinks that you can be calmed down with a simple touch to somewhere like that. They always go for the upper arm or the shoulder or a nice pat on the back and every single one of those throws me in to a near anxiety/panic attack.

Hell. Even if someone touches my boobs I'm okay. See? These aren't normal things.

However, this is where I have the problem.

Because one of my friends is constantly looking for the idea of being held I can't give her that comfortably. I might be able to for a while but mostly it just irks me and drives me nuts and makes me want to cry my eyes out because that person over there has their hand on my shoulder for too long.

I know that she seeks comfort and I know she wants to be held, she's even told me that but I need to tell her that I'm just not the right person to be able to give her that.

Quite frankly it drives me nuts.

I want to be able to have someone surprise me and come up behind me. I want to be able to stand there or sit there holding someone for extended periods of time without feeling awkward or worried or scared or damn near about to freak the fuck out just because they're too close.

I have a tendency to feel bad when my life seems to be going okay.

But why?

Because when my life is complete and utter shit almost everyone else's life is fucking fantastic and I'm bringing down the life of the party. Of course, when my life is actually reaching a point where it's stable it feels like everyone else's is falling to complete shit.

See my issue?

I want to help but I can't because if I'm happy and they're sad I feel like I'm failing but I can't help when they're happy because then they don't have a problem that I can help with!

Right now my life is steady as it can be with the bastard still in the family picture x.x

But of course as I mentioned before: At least three of my friends are having biggish problems.

One is breaking up with the first guy she ever told she loves.

One broke up with a guy she loved and her home life is utter shit.

And one is pretty much feeling so deprived of being needed or wanted that she's starting to spiral in to a depression but of course everyone around her is doing okay so she at least has to pretend that she's okay.

The first one we saw coming. She's actually starting to do well.

The second one I'm working to drill in to her head that she is loved and needed and that I can always be there.

The third one is kind of lying to me I feel.

She says she's doing fine and that nothing is wrong and when she says it I know it's a lie but I can't bring myself to call her out on it because I hate when people call me out on my lies because I feel I need at least one delusion to keep me sane and stable.

It's quite honestly pissing me off. As far as I know I've shown no time where I've ever tried to make her feelings less than they are I've just tried to help her understand them better and maybe I haven't done fantastic with that but honestly I have so many other problems that it doesn't even matter and I'm seriously considering changing some things over the break so I can't serve as a distraction of any kind but of course I'm only a distraction because I'm an easy distraction and without me she'd very easily find something else to be distracted by almost instantly.

We joke about how one time she finished her chocolate and said "I have no reason to be here anymore."

But quite honestly?

That really fucking hurt.

I often times feel I'm not wanted and consider suicide but when it all comes down to it I know that suicide would be a horrible idea.

On top of that I feel like whenever I tell her my problems it mostly turns in to a "my life is worse than yours so suck it up" thing which is why I want to stop telling her my problems. I'm not trying to belittle hers or make her feel less than she deserves but I think I'm failing because quite honestly I've gone about twelve years without sharing all of my issues and it's starting to actually drive me nuts.

Brought down to it I've been sick for the last six to eight months because I've been so stressed my body won't heal. I know I need shoulder surgery because I can't move it too much or it hurts like hell and I know I need knee surgery because it's doing the same thing.

I feel like I'm holding everyone back and the issue is is that when I get in to one of my moods where I'm entirely indifferent?

I'm actually entirely indifferent.

I don't feel anything. I become completely shut-down and not even worth talking to.

I always used to think I wouldn't end up being one of those girls that worried about how she looked, acted, seemed, smelled, or reacted in front of a guy. Nor did I think I'd be one of those girls who is so distracted by the fact that he exists that I have a tendency to ignore other people.

It's not on purpose and I sometimes am able to balance it... until I have to say goodbye to my boy. Then we're gone for at least an hour because I have to say goodbye.

Because I'm fighting with telling him I love him.

Because I want to kiss him.

Because I want to be near him because he's one of the few people where the 'do not like being touched' rule somehow doesn't apply.

Of course, when I try to tell people I'm having all these issues they jump straight from my point A to Q and move along straight to point A to B and confuse themselves somewhere in between and think I'm terrified and over-joyed because I simply love him when it all comes down to the fact that I'm terrified and over-joyed not only because I love him but because he's the only guy that some of my own feelings don't apply to which is a wonderful thing.

When it all comes down to it I'm worried about my family, my relationships and my friends.

I want my family to stop lying to each other.

I want my relationship to feel so second nature to me that I one day just look at him and say 'I love you.'

I want my friends to start confiding in me again because I'm so sick of the secrets and so tired of the lies.

The family will come with time.

My relationship will as well.

I've started to call my friends out on their shit and I'm going to continue doing that because quite honestly they're the ones that are driving me the most insane.

This is really just a rant without a key point. It's things I need to get out while managing to leave out some other less important details about myself.

Now son, I'm only telling you this because life... can do terrible things. -- "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade

In the last almost year...

After all it has been nearly a whole year.

A lot of different things have happened. Shit got real but it's a bunch of stuff I'd rather not post on the internet. I'll put it in these terms

A- Mom is unreachable

B- 'Dad' is an abusive bastard

C- Grandpa is a manipulative bastard

D- Being Happy mostly feels like a chore

E- I'm sleeping downstairs

F- I have to pretend I'm virtually never on the computer anymore just so 'B' won't get mad

G- I have a boyfriend (admittedly one of the three best things on this list)

H- Kay and I have gotten a lot closer I feel (another one of the best things)

I- I just graduated (last of the best things)

J- It feels like quite a few of my friendships are being tested

K- Writing feels like a chore

L- Two of my poems made it in to a literary magazine at my school (there is that good thing too)

M- My poems are flowing a little bit better (I can't count this as a good thing because when a poem DOESN'T come out right I feel shitty and like a horrible writer

N- I've slightly gotten Kay to enjoy a different Anime (also kinda good ;p)

O- I now understand quite a few of the things I was confused over in previous blog posts (bittersweet)

P- While my characters are developing I have less and less places to write them

Q- I've realized I really am like those other girlfriends pretty much. The ones that worry over how they look before they see the guy worry about what they think and say and look way too much in to it. Yeah. One of those.

R- While the chances of moving out are growing smaller and smaller the chances of Kay moving in are constantly going up and down

S- Kay and I bought a PS3 (Well technically we decided she bought the PS3 and I bought the games

T- We're gonna try to start doing LPs together. 'Duet's Play' :D Awesome

U- I worry more about what I'm saying to people to the point where I'm refusing to go in to anymore group chats because that seems to be where most of the fights are

V- I feel more love from the people not related to me by blood than I've ever felt from the people I actually share a name/genes with

W- I'm embracing video games more

X- I can seem to get eight hours worth of chores done in two, strange but true

Y- The band I'm in may actually get somewhere we just need to time when we can meet

Z- Ms. Rain and I are getting along quite nicely and she's helping me sing. :D

I mostly did all of that so I could actually go through the whole alphabet. By the time I got to 'R' is was becoming more and more difficult to figure out what to write.

At this moment I'm pretty much pulling an all-nighter (except I'm going to have to close the computer and pretend to be asleep in about forty-five minutes so I don't get caught).

I realized at just this moment that I'm so paranoid about who might find this that I'm actually not going to post a hilarious (in my opinion) story of what happened on the day of my graduation party.

OH! Perhaps I could post about how it's come to find out that I'm Bipolar Type 2 but how along with that I'm also off my meds by choice because they're frickin expensive. On top of that I have insomnia, a lot of OCD, stopped seeing my psychologist because it turns out he's an ass and unsubstantiated ADHD

OH! I'm eighteen now. I turned eighteen two weeks ago. I'm quite happy about that really.

I've come to find I worry greatly about quite a few of my friends. A few years ago they were very vocal and didn't give much care to what other people thought and now they know people that are tearing them down to the extent that they now worry about what to say and even when it comes to what they are wearing they sit there and go 'Ya know, if so-and-so were here they would die because of what I was wearing :/'

Is the dynamics of friends and families starting to change and I missed the memo?

I mean I always thought of friends as the people that have common interests and people to get away from the real world with because they were just that awesome to you.

Now it seems that they're there to help guide you through the social dramas of life when half of them don't even realize how 'eh' they are in other peoples eyes. I don't mean to sound mean but sometimes if people paid attention they'd realize how much it doesn't matter what you weigh, look like or wear. That won't matter in a few years. No employer in ten years is going to look back to when you were High School and be like ":/ So they were a chubby kid with a bad taste in clothes. Guess we can't hire them"

Just saying...

And I always thought of family as the kind of people who are supposed to give you different paths to go down in life and help you make your decisions while also to be there for advice when asked for and if you're going down a path of ultimate self-destruction they help pull you back and say 'What are your plans?' because then it makes you realize that where you're going is totally against your plans.

Now it seems to me that at least my family is a game of who can outdo who in the race of manipulation, who can lie best and who can pretend the longest before breaking down and letting it all spill out. It's like everyone in my family is running for president so they have to figure out who has the best thing they're going to say is their plan and who can lie the best before everyone finally believes them and finds out how much of a backstabbing asshole they really are.

But I digress.

And that doesn't make much sense.

I'm going to a Junior College then transferring in to hopefully Fullerton where I hope to receive a degree in English so I may be able to teach High School students which sounds completely insane but it is honestly something I want to do. It just seems interesting.

Sarcasm not to be lost on Elementary school students. Jokes not to be looked too far in to by Middle School students. Sarcasm to be thrown back and forth while attempting to establish a good reputation so jokes that might go a little too far don't insult a student that wasn't even close to the pun?

It sounds like High School again and at least I kind of know how to handle that. Teenagers are easier to deal with in my opinion. My reason isn't that difficult. It is merely because when it all comes down to it there's a few teenagers attempting to discover the meaning of life so you might get to teach those delightful few and accidentally inspire them to do something fantastic with their lives and ideas.

My hope is to write a book. My Creative Writing teacher this year helped me to develop that. I want to (at the age of twenty) publish a book of all of my short stories and poems. I have roughly somewhere around forty that I have written down or posted somewhere so I think I'm off to a good start (most of those were written in the last year).

I guess that for now I can really only hope that everything goes well regardless of all the other things going on.

How does it feel when tears freeze,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below. - "Not Good Enough for the Truth in Cliche" by Escape the Fate

FOUND IT

For the past... about eight years I've had this book that would randomly pop into my head. It was this story where a girl lives next door to this house that's haunted and she goes there for some reason and she starts to live a life that turns out to be a past life and it's been HAUNTING MY MIND.

Well I found it :D

It turns out it's called "The House Next Door" by Richie Tankersley Cusick. It's an amazing book and it turns out it's a UK book which would explain why it was so difficult to find. It took a little over two hours of serious searching to find it. And believe me when I say serious searching. It was driving me insane.

See it wouldn't usually be like this but something was different about this one. I found the book when I was like nine or ten years old and it was the only copy at the book fair and it looked good so I picked it up. Probably not the best thing for me to read because there were points where I didn't understand it one bit. But see I talked about it to people and no one had even heard of it.

I have a slight issue with figuring out whether something was reality or just in my head and, trust me, this was another one of those things that made me question that.

My own personal insanity aside there's a reason why I randomly thought about it again. SOOOOo one of my friends wrote a book and I read it and for some reason it reminded me of it (they are nothing alike by the way it was just this one part). So I was up until five o'clock this morning after having only like... five hours of sleep in the past week because I couldn't stop reading it. It didn't help when it ended in a cliffhanger that's for dang sure.

I was reading for exactly eight hours and eight minutes straight, it was insane. I love what she wrote. I really hope she gets it published.

That's the issue with writing. No matter how good one person might think you are the decision of your writing is based off pure opinion. I know people who would hate what she wrote just as many people as I know that would love it.

Ahh a whole post dedicated only to books.

No but seriously. "The House Next Door" I need to find my copy or buy it again used or not, all I know is I have to read it again, it would be so much better to me now that I'm older.

Ahh I have to end with a song don't I? Hmmm let's go with

"I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven"-- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "Your Guardian Angel"