In the last almost year...

After all it has been nearly a whole year.

A lot of different things have happened. Shit got real but it's a bunch of stuff I'd rather not post on the internet. I'll put it in these terms

A- Mom is unreachable

B- 'Dad' is an abusive bastard

C- Grandpa is a manipulative bastard

D- Being Happy mostly feels like a chore

E- I'm sleeping downstairs

F- I have to pretend I'm virtually never on the computer anymore just so 'B' won't get mad

G- I have a boyfriend (admittedly one of the three best things on this list)

H- Kay and I have gotten a lot closer I feel (another one of the best things)

I- I just graduated (last of the best things)

J- It feels like quite a few of my friendships are being tested

K- Writing feels like a chore

L- Two of my poems made it in to a literary magazine at my school (there is that good thing too)

M- My poems are flowing a little bit better (I can't count this as a good thing because when a poem DOESN'T come out right I feel shitty and like a horrible writer

N- I've slightly gotten Kay to enjoy a different Anime (also kinda good ;p)

O- I now understand quite a few of the things I was confused over in previous blog posts (bittersweet)

P- While my characters are developing I have less and less places to write them

Q- I've realized I really am like those other girlfriends pretty much. The ones that worry over how they look before they see the guy worry about what they think and say and look way too much in to it. Yeah. One of those.

R- While the chances of moving out are growing smaller and smaller the chances of Kay moving in are constantly going up and down

S- Kay and I bought a PS3 (Well technically we decided she bought the PS3 and I bought the games

T- We're gonna try to start doing LPs together. 'Duet's Play' :D Awesome

U- I worry more about what I'm saying to people to the point where I'm refusing to go in to anymore group chats because that seems to be where most of the fights are

V- I feel more love from the people not related to me by blood than I've ever felt from the people I actually share a name/genes with

W- I'm embracing video games more

X- I can seem to get eight hours worth of chores done in two, strange but true

Y- The band I'm in may actually get somewhere we just need to time when we can meet

Z- Ms. Rain and I are getting along quite nicely and she's helping me sing. :D

I mostly did all of that so I could actually go through the whole alphabet. By the time I got to 'R' is was becoming more and more difficult to figure out what to write.

At this moment I'm pretty much pulling an all-nighter (except I'm going to have to close the computer and pretend to be asleep in about forty-five minutes so I don't get caught).

I realized at just this moment that I'm so paranoid about who might find this that I'm actually not going to post a hilarious (in my opinion) story of what happened on the day of my graduation party.

OH! Perhaps I could post about how it's come to find out that I'm Bipolar Type 2 but how along with that I'm also off my meds by choice because they're frickin expensive. On top of that I have insomnia, a lot of OCD, stopped seeing my psychologist because it turns out he's an ass and unsubstantiated ADHD

OH! I'm eighteen now. I turned eighteen two weeks ago. I'm quite happy about that really.

I've come to find I worry greatly about quite a few of my friends. A few years ago they were very vocal and didn't give much care to what other people thought and now they know people that are tearing them down to the extent that they now worry about what to say and even when it comes to what they are wearing they sit there and go 'Ya know, if so-and-so were here they would die because of what I was wearing :/'

Is the dynamics of friends and families starting to change and I missed the memo?

I mean I always thought of friends as the people that have common interests and people to get away from the real world with because they were just that awesome to you.

Now it seems that they're there to help guide you through the social dramas of life when half of them don't even realize how 'eh' they are in other peoples eyes. I don't mean to sound mean but sometimes if people paid attention they'd realize how much it doesn't matter what you weigh, look like or wear. That won't matter in a few years. No employer in ten years is going to look back to when you were High School and be like ":/ So they were a chubby kid with a bad taste in clothes. Guess we can't hire them"

Just saying...

And I always thought of family as the kind of people who are supposed to give you different paths to go down in life and help you make your decisions while also to be there for advice when asked for and if you're going down a path of ultimate self-destruction they help pull you back and say 'What are your plans?' because then it makes you realize that where you're going is totally against your plans.

Now it seems to me that at least my family is a game of who can outdo who in the race of manipulation, who can lie best and who can pretend the longest before breaking down and letting it all spill out. It's like everyone in my family is running for president so they have to figure out who has the best thing they're going to say is their plan and who can lie the best before everyone finally believes them and finds out how much of a backstabbing asshole they really are.

But I digress.

And that doesn't make much sense.

I'm going to a Junior College then transferring in to hopefully Fullerton where I hope to receive a degree in English so I may be able to teach High School students which sounds completely insane but it is honestly something I want to do. It just seems interesting.

Sarcasm not to be lost on Elementary school students. Jokes not to be looked too far in to by Middle School students. Sarcasm to be thrown back and forth while attempting to establish a good reputation so jokes that might go a little too far don't insult a student that wasn't even close to the pun?

It sounds like High School again and at least I kind of know how to handle that. Teenagers are easier to deal with in my opinion. My reason isn't that difficult. It is merely because when it all comes down to it there's a few teenagers attempting to discover the meaning of life so you might get to teach those delightful few and accidentally inspire them to do something fantastic with their lives and ideas.

My hope is to write a book. My Creative Writing teacher this year helped me to develop that. I want to (at the age of twenty) publish a book of all of my short stories and poems. I have roughly somewhere around forty that I have written down or posted somewhere so I think I'm off to a good start (most of those were written in the last year).

I guess that for now I can really only hope that everything goes well regardless of all the other things going on.

How does it feel when tears freeze,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below. - "Not Good Enough for the Truth in Cliche" by Escape the Fate