Yeah...

I'm just going to post on here whenever I damn well feel like it I guess.

So I suppose the real reason why I feel the sudden urge to post something is the fact that I'm worried. There's a few people in this world I feel comfortable telling everything to and that's Cici, Kay and... well I guess that's actually it. The issue I've run in to is the thing I always feared. I never told people everything because I felt it would weigh too heavily on their minds. After years and years and years of being told it wouldn't I've started to give in and just tell people. I've been sick of it and suicidal for about six years and it's gotten to a point where I mentally (and physically I guess) can not take it anymore. So I've started to tell people what's been going on in my mind, with my life, how I feel, what I want, what I wish, what I love and what I think I don't deserve.

Yeah, I guess I was right the first time.

I need to go back to bottling everything up because people are started to take what I'm saying to heart and it's starting to affect how they think and act. Because of my own stupidity with words I'm entirely unable to let them know how I was able to get from point A to point Q by actually going through all of the letters of the alphabet. The issue is when you jump from one point to the other the person you're talking to will connect them incorrectly and think you're talking point A to point B and then I have to stop and let them know that no, actually there was a few more points in there that got me there.

The second they switch your point A to Q to their own point A to B you've lost them and they're immediately starting to compare your feelings to their own and fucking themselves up in the process.

Sure. I'm kinda in love. (Trust me, this is the connected thing I was talking about). I'm completely in love and talking to the boy makes me hopeful and sad and weary and happy and excited and nervous and feel safe. I'm terrified to think too much on it.

But here's the thing.

Now that I've started to share all my emotions people are comparing their relationships to mine. They're starting to think that there's aren't perfect or wonderful or right when in fact it's what's right for them.

On top of being in love with my boy I'm terrified of the fact of things going farther than they are and faster (even if it took roughly ten and a half months for us to have our first kiss and neither of us can feel comfortable holding hands because we both very obviously need our hands to speak).

BUT here's where it all ties together.

I tell friends about my fears and my feelings and I think it's ruining what they think of themselves. I feel like a person I know is trying to find some kind of relationship because she feels useless but the truth is she's not. I feel like I've been trying to tell her I care and I want her to be happy but the biggest issue is that I can't help her deal with her own feelings when I can hardly control my own.

She likes to lean on me, physically that is, and she likes to put her head on my shoulder and quite frankly for the most part I just hate being touched. I know it hurts her a bit which is why I've been trying to turn it in to a game but I honestly hate being touched. It irritates me and makes me feel awkward and strange and weak and vulnerable even if it's her putting her forehead on my shoulder and not touching me in any other way. I just can not stand it.

Okay, I can stand holding hands sometimes. I can stand hugs from the front (back is just... God no I hate those). I can even stand someone's and on my side or lower back and even my neck. Hell, I can even stand someone's hand on my knee or thigh for certain length of time. It's just my shoulders and upper back that makes me cringe. Of course, that's not where you're supposed to feel comfortable so no one thinks that you can be calmed down with a simple touch to somewhere like that. They always go for the upper arm or the shoulder or a nice pat on the back and every single one of those throws me in to a near anxiety/panic attack.

Hell. Even if someone touches my boobs I'm okay. See? These aren't normal things.

However, this is where I have the problem.

Because one of my friends is constantly looking for the idea of being held I can't give her that comfortably. I might be able to for a while but mostly it just irks me and drives me nuts and makes me want to cry my eyes out because that person over there has their hand on my shoulder for too long.

I know that she seeks comfort and I know she wants to be held, she's even told me that but I need to tell her that I'm just not the right person to be able to give her that.

Quite frankly it drives me nuts.

I want to be able to have someone surprise me and come up behind me. I want to be able to stand there or sit there holding someone for extended periods of time without feeling awkward or worried or scared or damn near about to freak the fuck out just because they're too close.

I have a tendency to feel bad when my life seems to be going okay.

But why?

Because when my life is complete and utter shit almost everyone else's life is fucking fantastic and I'm bringing down the life of the party. Of course, when my life is actually reaching a point where it's stable it feels like everyone else's is falling to complete shit.

See my issue?

I want to help but I can't because if I'm happy and they're sad I feel like I'm failing but I can't help when they're happy because then they don't have a problem that I can help with!

Right now my life is steady as it can be with the bastard still in the family picture x.x

But of course as I mentioned before: At least three of my friends are having biggish problems.

One is breaking up with the first guy she ever told she loves.

One broke up with a guy she loved and her home life is utter shit.

And one is pretty much feeling so deprived of being needed or wanted that she's starting to spiral in to a depression but of course everyone around her is doing okay so she at least has to pretend that she's okay.

The first one we saw coming. She's actually starting to do well.

The second one I'm working to drill in to her head that she is loved and needed and that I can always be there.

The third one is kind of lying to me I feel.

She says she's doing fine and that nothing is wrong and when she says it I know it's a lie but I can't bring myself to call her out on it because I hate when people call me out on my lies because I feel I need at least one delusion to keep me sane and stable.

It's quite honestly pissing me off. As far as I know I've shown no time where I've ever tried to make her feelings less than they are I've just tried to help her understand them better and maybe I haven't done fantastic with that but honestly I have so many other problems that it doesn't even matter and I'm seriously considering changing some things over the break so I can't serve as a distraction of any kind but of course I'm only a distraction because I'm an easy distraction and without me she'd very easily find something else to be distracted by almost instantly.

We joke about how one time she finished her chocolate and said "I have no reason to be here anymore."

But quite honestly?

That really fucking hurt.

I often times feel I'm not wanted and consider suicide but when it all comes down to it I know that suicide would be a horrible idea.

On top of that I feel like whenever I tell her my problems it mostly turns in to a "my life is worse than yours so suck it up" thing which is why I want to stop telling her my problems. I'm not trying to belittle hers or make her feel less than she deserves but I think I'm failing because quite honestly I've gone about twelve years without sharing all of my issues and it's starting to actually drive me nuts.

Brought down to it I've been sick for the last six to eight months because I've been so stressed my body won't heal. I know I need shoulder surgery because I can't move it too much or it hurts like hell and I know I need knee surgery because it's doing the same thing.

I feel like I'm holding everyone back and the issue is is that when I get in to one of my moods where I'm entirely indifferent?

I'm actually entirely indifferent.

I don't feel anything. I become completely shut-down and not even worth talking to.

I always used to think I wouldn't end up being one of those girls that worried about how she looked, acted, seemed, smelled, or reacted in front of a guy. Nor did I think I'd be one of those girls who is so distracted by the fact that he exists that I have a tendency to ignore other people.

It's not on purpose and I sometimes am able to balance it... until I have to say goodbye to my boy. Then we're gone for at least an hour because I have to say goodbye.

Because I'm fighting with telling him I love him.

Because I want to kiss him.

Because I want to be near him because he's one of the few people where the 'do not like being touched' rule somehow doesn't apply.

Of course, when I try to tell people I'm having all these issues they jump straight from my point A to Q and move along straight to point A to B and confuse themselves somewhere in between and think I'm terrified and over-joyed because I simply love him when it all comes down to the fact that I'm terrified and over-joyed not only because I love him but because he's the only guy that some of my own feelings don't apply to which is a wonderful thing.

When it all comes down to it I'm worried about my family, my relationships and my friends.

I want my family to stop lying to each other.

I want my relationship to feel so second nature to me that I one day just look at him and say 'I love you.'

I want my friends to start confiding in me again because I'm so sick of the secrets and so tired of the lies.

The family will come with time.

My relationship will as well.

I've started to call my friends out on their shit and I'm going to continue doing that because quite honestly they're the ones that are driving me the most insane.

This is really just a rant without a key point. It's things I need to get out while managing to leave out some other less important details about myself.

Now son, I'm only telling you this because life... can do terrible things. -- "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade

In the last almost year...

After all it has been nearly a whole year.

A lot of different things have happened. Shit got real but it's a bunch of stuff I'd rather not post on the internet. I'll put it in these terms

A- Mom is unreachable

B- 'Dad' is an abusive bastard

C- Grandpa is a manipulative bastard

D- Being Happy mostly feels like a chore

E- I'm sleeping downstairs

F- I have to pretend I'm virtually never on the computer anymore just so 'B' won't get mad

G- I have a boyfriend (admittedly one of the three best things on this list)

H- Kay and I have gotten a lot closer I feel (another one of the best things)

I- I just graduated (last of the best things)

J- It feels like quite a few of my friendships are being tested

K- Writing feels like a chore

L- Two of my poems made it in to a literary magazine at my school (there is that good thing too)

M- My poems are flowing a little bit better (I can't count this as a good thing because when a poem DOESN'T come out right I feel shitty and like a horrible writer

N- I've slightly gotten Kay to enjoy a different Anime (also kinda good ;p)

O- I now understand quite a few of the things I was confused over in previous blog posts (bittersweet)

P- While my characters are developing I have less and less places to write them

Q- I've realized I really am like those other girlfriends pretty much. The ones that worry over how they look before they see the guy worry about what they think and say and look way too much in to it. Yeah. One of those.

R- While the chances of moving out are growing smaller and smaller the chances of Kay moving in are constantly going up and down

S- Kay and I bought a PS3 (Well technically we decided she bought the PS3 and I bought the games

T- We're gonna try to start doing LPs together. 'Duet's Play' :D Awesome

U- I worry more about what I'm saying to people to the point where I'm refusing to go in to anymore group chats because that seems to be where most of the fights are

V- I feel more love from the people not related to me by blood than I've ever felt from the people I actually share a name/genes with

W- I'm embracing video games more

X- I can seem to get eight hours worth of chores done in two, strange but true

Y- The band I'm in may actually get somewhere we just need to time when we can meet

Z- Ms. Rain and I are getting along quite nicely and she's helping me sing. :D

I mostly did all of that so I could actually go through the whole alphabet. By the time I got to 'R' is was becoming more and more difficult to figure out what to write.

At this moment I'm pretty much pulling an all-nighter (except I'm going to have to close the computer and pretend to be asleep in about forty-five minutes so I don't get caught).

I realized at just this moment that I'm so paranoid about who might find this that I'm actually not going to post a hilarious (in my opinion) story of what happened on the day of my graduation party.

OH! Perhaps I could post about how it's come to find out that I'm Bipolar Type 2 but how along with that I'm also off my meds by choice because they're frickin expensive. On top of that I have insomnia, a lot of OCD, stopped seeing my psychologist because it turns out he's an ass and unsubstantiated ADHD

OH! I'm eighteen now. I turned eighteen two weeks ago. I'm quite happy about that really.

I've come to find I worry greatly about quite a few of my friends. A few years ago they were very vocal and didn't give much care to what other people thought and now they know people that are tearing them down to the extent that they now worry about what to say and even when it comes to what they are wearing they sit there and go 'Ya know, if so-and-so were here they would die because of what I was wearing :/'

Is the dynamics of friends and families starting to change and I missed the memo?

I mean I always thought of friends as the people that have common interests and people to get away from the real world with because they were just that awesome to you.

Now it seems that they're there to help guide you through the social dramas of life when half of them don't even realize how 'eh' they are in other peoples eyes. I don't mean to sound mean but sometimes if people paid attention they'd realize how much it doesn't matter what you weigh, look like or wear. That won't matter in a few years. No employer in ten years is going to look back to when you were High School and be like ":/ So they were a chubby kid with a bad taste in clothes. Guess we can't hire them"

Just saying...

And I always thought of family as the kind of people who are supposed to give you different paths to go down in life and help you make your decisions while also to be there for advice when asked for and if you're going down a path of ultimate self-destruction they help pull you back and say 'What are your plans?' because then it makes you realize that where you're going is totally against your plans.

Now it seems to me that at least my family is a game of who can outdo who in the race of manipulation, who can lie best and who can pretend the longest before breaking down and letting it all spill out. It's like everyone in my family is running for president so they have to figure out who has the best thing they're going to say is their plan and who can lie the best before everyone finally believes them and finds out how much of a backstabbing asshole they really are.

But I digress.

And that doesn't make much sense.

I'm going to a Junior College then transferring in to hopefully Fullerton where I hope to receive a degree in English so I may be able to teach High School students which sounds completely insane but it is honestly something I want to do. It just seems interesting.

Sarcasm not to be lost on Elementary school students. Jokes not to be looked too far in to by Middle School students. Sarcasm to be thrown back and forth while attempting to establish a good reputation so jokes that might go a little too far don't insult a student that wasn't even close to the pun?

It sounds like High School again and at least I kind of know how to handle that. Teenagers are easier to deal with in my opinion. My reason isn't that difficult. It is merely because when it all comes down to it there's a few teenagers attempting to discover the meaning of life so you might get to teach those delightful few and accidentally inspire them to do something fantastic with their lives and ideas.

My hope is to write a book. My Creative Writing teacher this year helped me to develop that. I want to (at the age of twenty) publish a book of all of my short stories and poems. I have roughly somewhere around forty that I have written down or posted somewhere so I think I'm off to a good start (most of those were written in the last year).

I guess that for now I can really only hope that everything goes well regardless of all the other things going on.

How does it feel when tears freeze,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below. - "Not Good Enough for the Truth in Cliche" by Escape the Fate