I am unimportant.
I am a waste of space.
I am a package.
I am only worth what I can bring to the table.
I can bring nothing to the table.
I am a regret.
I have no future.
I deserve to be left on skid-row.
I deserve to be killed.
I deserve to die.
I am smart.
I am a retard.
I am the worst person.
I deserve to be crushed.
I will gain nothing in life.
No one loves me.
No one likes me.
No one ever has.
I am a burden.
I am one of the best.
I have so much potential.
What I believe:
I am nothing.
I am stupid.
This is a mind-game.
I'm winning because I know it.
I'm losing because it's been happening for thirteen years.
The game has not changed.
They have gotten to me.
I will not make it to twenty-three.
I will be killed.
My God, I hope not.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Shrapnel
So as a continuation of my last thing, in April, my boyfriend did move. He moved up North, five hours away. It's actually been going okay with him. I'm not worried and he knows I'm jealous as fuck but everything's been going okay. He found out that I'm bi and now is jealous of every single new person I meet (and lately there's been at least one a month so I feel bad) but everything is okay with him. He knows that I love him. He knows that I'm in love with him and my mother-dearest got him thinking about marriage.
Not kidding.
Whenever she introduces him it's as my 'husband' or 'future husband' so he asked something about marriage one day. The truth is I'm actually somewhat terrified of commitment. I've been doing well in this relationship and everything but I can't help but fear that if I was entirely 100% married and everything was like that I would freak the fuck out. It just makes me think of this book I read, "Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult, where the mother runs off even though she loved the father because she just felt so trapped. I guess I'm thinking worse case scenario and I don't want to be like that.
Mostly I don't want to get married before I can legally drink.
Is that stupid?
I really, actually, don't think so.
I may be looking into the medical field for work instead of being an English teacher. Regardless I really think I'd like it but... there's just so much... so many people in my family telling me not to do that. I think I would make an excellent teacher. It's mostly just because of the things they say about attention disorder and all the emotional stuff. The thing is that I really think that I can handle that. Well, I'm one of the few I guess. Me and a few friends.
But the point of the name of this one... I've been thinking a lot about this word. Two friends are fighting. They fight a lot and everything but this one's lasted longer than usual. Once they get over their Pride I know they'll be able to work it out just like every other time but this time it's actually hurt the people around them a bit more I've noticed.
The definition of 'Shrapnel' is: Fragments of a bomb, shell, or other object thrown out by an explosion.
This fight has had a lot more shrapnel than usual.
I know one of them tends to get angry when she's upset. It's a defense mechanism. I can understand that. It's not weird or strange. It just makes sense.The issue with anger is when you let it build up then throw it at everyone around you to the point of insulting other people or making them feel like less than they are. It isn't meant to harm people, but neither is a bomb aimed at destroying one area.
That's where shrapnel comes in.
The other deals with it by getting upset. In some cases this one is strange. It gets to this point where everything they're dealing with loses the glamour and shine of the world and the colors around them dim, literally. In cases like this is gets to this point where they talk about how amazing the person is to the point where you sit there and stare and go '...I do that for you, too...' They're just getting out their feelings but it can hit you, too.
So my thoughts on shrapnel in a friend's argument is when they're so mad at each other they go to great lengths to ignore each other and you get hit with their emotions instead.
It isn't safe for everyone and everyone gets hit in the end.
I've been feeling more depressed lately. Generally upset with the world and everything in it. The colors and lights are literally starting to lose their beauty to me. Everything seems to be fading to this sort of black and white again.
I know I've been here before and it goes away eventually but, as someone told me recently, getting there sucks.
I've grown very close to two people recently. Or perhaps I should say they've grown very close to me. I hold them dear to my heart in a way that scares me. Recently discovering that if either of them were to tell me to tell them something, unless I swore to someone I wouldn't, I would tell them. I want to hide nothing from them. They don't deserve that. They deserve so much beauty and light and hope in this fucked up world.
One was hating on herself last night.
So I did what I do best.
Told her all the things I loved and saw in her. Embarrassed her.
It helped, apparently. This makes me happy. Knowing that I may actually be able to help someone every once in a while. You can't save a people from themselves but I hope to at least provide a cushion against the outside world.
I hope to God it works sometimes.
I had a dream that started a few years ago with three adorable children. Two girls and a boy. Sparing the details I can say that it ended with me being the mother.
Recently my mother had a dream where she went shoe shopping with a girl she believed to be my daughter. The child she described to me matched the description of the eldest child in my dreams. When I said the name Anabel she jumped and said that that was her name.
The name I hope to name my future daughter.
Frightening, isn't it?
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get Only a fool's here to stay - Sarah McLachlan (Ice)
Not kidding.
Whenever she introduces him it's as my 'husband' or 'future husband' so he asked something about marriage one day. The truth is I'm actually somewhat terrified of commitment. I've been doing well in this relationship and everything but I can't help but fear that if I was entirely 100% married and everything was like that I would freak the fuck out. It just makes me think of this book I read, "Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult, where the mother runs off even though she loved the father because she just felt so trapped. I guess I'm thinking worse case scenario and I don't want to be like that.
Mostly I don't want to get married before I can legally drink.
Is that stupid?
I really, actually, don't think so.
I may be looking into the medical field for work instead of being an English teacher. Regardless I really think I'd like it but... there's just so much... so many people in my family telling me not to do that. I think I would make an excellent teacher. It's mostly just because of the things they say about attention disorder and all the emotional stuff. The thing is that I really think that I can handle that. Well, I'm one of the few I guess. Me and a few friends.
But the point of the name of this one... I've been thinking a lot about this word. Two friends are fighting. They fight a lot and everything but this one's lasted longer than usual. Once they get over their Pride I know they'll be able to work it out just like every other time but this time it's actually hurt the people around them a bit more I've noticed.
The definition of 'Shrapnel' is: Fragments of a bomb, shell, or other object thrown out by an explosion.
This fight has had a lot more shrapnel than usual.
I know one of them tends to get angry when she's upset. It's a defense mechanism. I can understand that. It's not weird or strange. It just makes sense.The issue with anger is when you let it build up then throw it at everyone around you to the point of insulting other people or making them feel like less than they are. It isn't meant to harm people, but neither is a bomb aimed at destroying one area.
That's where shrapnel comes in.
The other deals with it by getting upset. In some cases this one is strange. It gets to this point where everything they're dealing with loses the glamour and shine of the world and the colors around them dim, literally. In cases like this is gets to this point where they talk about how amazing the person is to the point where you sit there and stare and go '...I do that for you, too...' They're just getting out their feelings but it can hit you, too.
So my thoughts on shrapnel in a friend's argument is when they're so mad at each other they go to great lengths to ignore each other and you get hit with their emotions instead.
It isn't safe for everyone and everyone gets hit in the end.
I've been feeling more depressed lately. Generally upset with the world and everything in it. The colors and lights are literally starting to lose their beauty to me. Everything seems to be fading to this sort of black and white again.
I know I've been here before and it goes away eventually but, as someone told me recently, getting there sucks.
I've grown very close to two people recently. Or perhaps I should say they've grown very close to me. I hold them dear to my heart in a way that scares me. Recently discovering that if either of them were to tell me to tell them something, unless I swore to someone I wouldn't, I would tell them. I want to hide nothing from them. They don't deserve that. They deserve so much beauty and light and hope in this fucked up world.
One was hating on herself last night.
So I did what I do best.
Told her all the things I loved and saw in her. Embarrassed her.
It helped, apparently. This makes me happy. Knowing that I may actually be able to help someone every once in a while. You can't save a people from themselves but I hope to at least provide a cushion against the outside world.
I hope to God it works sometimes.
I had a dream that started a few years ago with three adorable children. Two girls and a boy. Sparing the details I can say that it ended with me being the mother.
Recently my mother had a dream where she went shoe shopping with a girl she believed to be my daughter. The child she described to me matched the description of the eldest child in my dreams. When I said the name Anabel she jumped and said that that was her name.
The name I hope to name my future daughter.
Frightening, isn't it?
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get Only a fool's here to stay - Sarah McLachlan (Ice)
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