What I Learned Today

I am unimportant.
I am a waste of space.
I am a package.
I am only worth what I can bring to the table.
I can bring nothing to the table.
I am a regret.
I have no future.
I deserve to be left on skid-row.
I deserve to be killed.
I deserve to die.
I am smart.
I am a retard.
I am the worst person.
I deserve to be crushed.
I will gain nothing in life.
No one loves me.
No one likes me.
No one ever has.
I am a burden.
I am one of the best.
I have so much potential.

What I believe:
I am nothing.
I am stupid.
This is a mind-game.
I'm winning because I know it.
I'm losing because it's been happening for thirteen years.
The game has not changed.
They have gotten to me.
I will not make it to twenty-three.
I will be killed.

My God, I hope not.

Shrapnel

So as a continuation of my last thing, in April, my boyfriend did move. He moved up North, five hours away. It's actually been going okay with him. I'm not worried and he knows I'm jealous as fuck but everything's been going okay. He found out that I'm bi and now is jealous of every single new person I meet (and lately there's been at least one a month so I feel bad) but everything is okay with him. He knows that I love him. He knows that I'm in love with him and my mother-dearest got him thinking about marriage.

Not kidding.

Whenever she introduces him it's as my 'husband' or 'future husband' so he asked something about marriage one day. The truth is I'm actually somewhat terrified of commitment. I've been doing well in this relationship and everything but I can't help but fear that if I was entirely 100% married and everything was like that I would freak the fuck out. It just makes me think of this book I read, "Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult, where the mother runs off even though she loved the father because she just felt so trapped. I guess I'm thinking worse case scenario and I don't want to be like that.

Mostly I don't want to get married before I can legally drink.
Is that stupid?
I really, actually, don't think so.

I may be looking into the medical field for work instead of being an English teacher. Regardless I really think I'd like it but... there's just so much... so many people in my family telling me not to do that. I think I would make an excellent teacher. It's mostly just because of the things they say about attention disorder and all the emotional stuff. The thing is that I really think that I can handle that. Well, I'm one of the few I guess. Me and a few friends.

But the point of the name of this one... I've been thinking a lot about this word. Two friends are fighting. They fight a lot and everything but this one's lasted longer than usual. Once they get over their Pride I know they'll be able to work it out just like every other time but this time it's actually hurt the people around them a bit more I've noticed.

The definition of 'Shrapnel' is: Fragments of a bomb, shell, or other object thrown out by an explosion.

This fight has had a lot more shrapnel than usual.

I know one of them tends to get angry when she's upset. It's a defense mechanism. I can understand that. It's not weird or strange. It just makes sense.The issue with anger is when you let it build up then throw it at everyone around you to the point of insulting other people or making them feel like less than they are. It isn't meant to harm people, but neither is a bomb aimed at destroying one area.

That's where shrapnel comes in.

The other deals with it by getting upset. In some cases this one is strange. It gets to this point where everything they're dealing with loses the glamour and shine of the world and the colors around them dim, literally. In cases like this is gets to this point where they talk about how amazing the person is to the point where you sit there and stare and go '...I do that for you, too...' They're just getting out their feelings but it can hit you, too.

So my thoughts on shrapnel in a friend's argument is when they're so mad at each other they go to great lengths to ignore each other and you get hit with their emotions instead.

It isn't safe for everyone and everyone gets hit in the end.

I've been feeling more depressed lately. Generally upset with the world and everything in it. The colors and lights are literally starting to lose their beauty to me. Everything seems to be fading to this sort of black and white again.

I know I've been here before and it goes away eventually but, as someone told me recently, getting there sucks.

I've grown very close to two people recently. Or perhaps I should say they've grown very close to me. I hold them dear to my heart in a way that scares me. Recently discovering that if either of them were to tell me to tell them something, unless I swore to someone I wouldn't, I would tell them. I want to hide nothing from them. They don't deserve that. They deserve so much beauty and light and hope in this fucked up world.

One was hating on herself last night.

So I did what I do best.

Told her all the things I loved and saw in her. Embarrassed her.

It helped, apparently. This makes me happy. Knowing that I may actually be able to help someone every once in a while. You can't save a people from themselves but I hope to at least provide a cushion against the outside world.

I hope to God it works sometimes.

I had a dream that started a few years ago with three adorable children. Two girls and a boy. Sparing the details I can say that it ended with me being the mother.

Recently my mother had a dream where she went shoe shopping with a girl she believed to be my daughter. The child she described to me matched the description of the eldest child in my dreams. When I said the name Anabel she jumped and said that that was her name.

The name I hope to name my future daughter.

Frightening, isn't it?

The only comfort is the moving of the river 
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips 
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get Only a fool's here to stay - Sarah McLachlan (Ice)

Just to get most of it out there.

I like when you're listening to a song and the person has probably never heard it but they accidentally end up tapping along to the beat of it for a few moments. It's interesting.

Anyway! I just went back and looked at all of my earlier posts and I love how when you look back you can see all the things you've done that were lame or stupid or childish but then it gets to this point when you realize that everything you're dealing with now, was still there when you made that. You were just better at ignoring it.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about elementary school. How I was late to the first day of Kindergarten because no one helped me. How there were these three guys who spoke Spanish in my class and how I became their main target. How from around like First to Fourth grade I was constantly asked "Are you a boy or a girl?" by kids who meant for it to sound mean, just because I had short hair and tended to like sports a lot and was half-ass decent at them (which means I was better than pretty much all the girls). About how people teased me and taunted me for doing things that were just part of my personality or were a habit, like turning around when I talk to talking in circles just to get to the answer of a question someone asked me. How there was that boy in my first grade class who kept asking to hold my hand or put his hand on my thigh or touch me in general and how my best friend at the time (Jake) was always there to get in the middle of it. How sometimes when I went over to Jake's house it'd be fun and we'd hang out but then one of the first times I was there he wanted to play 'Doctor' and while I didn't acquiesce with pretty much anything he told me to do it made me feel uncomfortable. But he was my best friend.

It was all these things that just kept happening and made me hate elementary school and made me never want to go there ever again. It all adds up for a kid.

I remember transferring in the middle of fifth grade and being so happy because of it. I would make new friends and kids wouldn't be mean to me or anything like that. Of course that wasn't entirely true but it was nice to believe something like that. Middle School was okay when it came to being teased or taunted. It was easier than Elementary and I definitely didn't hate it as much. It was mostly bad in fifth grade then it became this weird thing of sometimes I was being teased and sometimes I wasn't. It was just odd.

Aside from that I was also thinking about sexuality a lot. It's something I've honestly been thinking about quite a bit and everything but I was thinking about this time that I was talking to a friend about someone I had met and had just become almost best friends with and she jokingly said: "Maybe you have a crush on her ;D"

I flipped the fuck out.

Not because she was implying I might be a lesbian or because I was against it or anything. No. It was because at that time especially I had been fighting with that idea myself. I wasn't sure if she was just an amazing friend or if I actually was developing a crush on her. However, I wasn't as terrified by the idea that I might be Bisexual or Gay or anything. It was the idea of what would happen to me if I was? I was very certain that Steven would kick me out of the house if I turned out to be something that wasn't straight, and he had told me as such the year before.

Now that I think about it, it was a bit of both. But I remembered that thought process yesterday. That entirely terrifying thought process. I have a boyfriend now but I'm pretty sure if I even mentioned what happened all those years ago he would still look at me differently for a while.

Which kind of leads me in to this: I'm pretty sure he wanted a boy. And by pretty sure? I mean that he called me boy at least once a year since I was at least ten. It's because of what happened recently that got me thinking on this.

We were getting me some new clothes and due to my size (in all different ways) the best clothes that fit me are the boys clothes and the women's cloths. Well. The women's clothes have shitty designs and the boys clothes are comfortable, so I went with the boys clothes. As we were walking over to them he said:

"Alright, well. Lead the way boy-girl."

He completely failed at trying to correct himself. It was just sad, really.

It got me thinking about how in fifth grade and quite a bit of middle school I was getting really in to basketball. The second he found out he started trying to teach me and get me better and better at it until I was actually pretty decent. Then he still didn't stop until I joined the school team (which never happened that year) and he kept trying to get me to enjoy basketball. At first it was okay. I did. I liked going out and playing basketball and I was finally doing something with my dad. Then it got to this point where I hated it because he was mean and wouldn't let me stop until I did certain things and he didn't understand why I couldn't do this or that because my height shouldn't affect that and my upper body strength shouldn't affect that and I was in karate but it didn't matter if I was exhausted from the lessons because I had to get in to basketball.

Or there was the quad incident when I kept telling my mom and Steven "I don't want to. I have a bad feeling about this. I have a really bad feeling about this. I'm going to get hurt." My mom, at one point, actually told me:

"I'm older than you and my intuition is stronger. You're going to be fine."

And she sent me out. Steven started me next to this six foot deep ditch. Yeah. You can see where this is going. I remember starting it. Blacking out and then waking up under the quad in the ditch. It was miraculous. I had borrowed one of their helmets and was wearing a short sleeved shirt. I didn't have a scratch on me and if anything I had a minor concussion. My first thought was "Where am I?" and my second was "I said I would get hurt." I stopped doing a lot of the things they wanted me to do after that. I felt like if I did I would end up sad and hurt. I still think that's a good philosophy.

I've been getting along swimmingly with Mandze, Karlie's sister. I feel like I've missed a lot when it comes to her (especially when I've known her for twelve [almost thirteen] years) but I think it's one of those things where "It's the right time now." and any earlier would have had less satisfactory results. I'm really glad that the right time is now. I think it's helping. She's been going with me to my psychologist appointments and it's been kind of interesting.

On that note, I think I've completely mind-fucked my psychologist. Sometimes she stares me me like "@_@" and like she's trying to figure out what I'm saying and it's taking a few minutes.

It entertains me, really. I like talking to her, I don't feel like I'm burdening her with all of my problems like I do everyone else.

In other news, two people I used to talk to every day I've been talking to less and less. It feels strange. Especially the fact that the one I considered a 'daughter' 'disowned' me and so to her I technically can't call her my daughter but in my head I do because it feels wrong otherwise. I still talk to one a bit! And I haven't role-played, really role-played, with them in a while I think. It feels weird and is a little depressing to think about but I have a few theories on this.

1. They know what the other one likes when it comes to role-playing, so they prefer it.

2. They're okay with switching from obsession to obsession where as I tend to stick on to one for months at a time.

3. By telling them to always tell me when something was wrong and to talk to me I may have inadvertently goten their subconscious to a point where it's something like "Oh, you're talking to her. Something must be wrong." And they start to seem a bit more depressed and then they feel a bit more depressed.

It's really just this general separation I've been waiting for for years, but it's happening more suddenly than I would have liked. I still want to meet them, I just don't want to completely lose contact with them. It tends to get a little difficult, however, when I ask a question or mention something to them and they either A. Don't respond or B. Respond with so much indifference it's palpable over the response they send me.

In an entirely unrelated point, my boyfriend is more than likely moving. He's going up north next weekend to look for jobs and to apply for jobs. No matter how many times I say it out loud or tell people (one person in particular has heard the story about six times and I feel terrible about it) it feels both like it's not real and like it's too real. I'm happy if he's happy but if he doesn't really want to do this then I don't think he should. I don't know. It's weird and my thoughts on it tend to go back and forth and fall on "I want him to do what he wants to do, I just hope that doesn't involve breaking up with me." Gods, I think that would just about kill me if he did.

I know I've said things before about love and how I don't really understand it. By all means, I still don't but I think that I'm starting to get it a little more. It lands like this: I think I would never be the same, but I don't think I'd kill myself.

I hope to never find out.

When I lay with you

I could stay there

Close my eyes

Feel you here forever

You and me together

Nothing is better - Adele "Set Fire to the Rain"

Emotions

Is it wrong of me to express what I feel? I certainly feel like it is.

I can't even get pissed when I feel I have reason to because then I get told "Don't get pissy" and if I try to express my emotions to the people online where the wording can be more refined I just get blocked or blown off. I don't feel like I can win.

It's small things. Being asked to bring something to someone when they're right next to it. Being asked to do something while I'm on the other side of the house and the person asking me is much closer.

When it comes down to it I'm just feeling really lonely right now.

There are forty-four Role Play Documents on my Gmail account right now and they are all dead or dying. On all but two of them I was the last one to post. And in the end all I get is a goddamn 'sorry' because they aren't responding because they just love the newest RP they started.

I would be fine with this if I wasn't being ignored almost every time I try to start a conversation. Sure I don't have much to contribute but it would be easier if the answers I got were more than one word. I can't even listen to certain songs without feeling depressed and they're fantastic songs that I used to love. I have a journal dedicated to the writings of one character and I haven't even written in that because it feels weird because I know that no one who is a part of the original idea really cares. I mean, sure, there's about four RPs that are going strong and I love both of those but those aren't always constantly posted in. It can be days before there's a response.

What I hate even more is that things I used to love hearing aren't affecting me anymore. Being told 'I love you' from friends does virtually nothing anymore. I feel like they're just empty words said because they used to be said all the time. I keep telling myself I'm going to stay offline and I keep coming back on because each day I hope it's going to change and I know that it won't.

I talk to my mom about this and all I'm being told is 'Make more friends' and my point is that I don't want to but I need to because what I'm actually feeling is being ignored.

I think what makes me stop talking about it is the fact that there was one time when I did express my emotions via a status on Gmail and two people who were logged on were surprised that I used the word 'fuck' multiple times and said how angry I was. They were saying that it's because of that that they always consider me 'God' because I'm never really emotional.

At the same time I'm now constantly told that a person can't talk to me when I'm angry because I don't get angry.

I don't even know if I should anymore!

My whole life has been about seeing people get angry and what happens in the end and it's destroying everything. I feel like I never got to have a full-blown idea on living because it kept changing because the people kept changing.

I can't be angry because I shouldn't be angry but when I do try to express my anger the only thing that changes is that my words become harsher. I don't lash out at anyone, I don't call people names and I'm not cruel. My words become harsher. Why can't I just sound harsh for thirty minutes without being told to 'relax' or 'stop being pissy'? Of course, the rest of them can be as emotional as they damn well please and they can lash out and they can be cruel and they can be harsh. But I can't do a damn thing because I'm emotional!

I'm just fucking lonely and now I'm mostly ignored when I try to start a conversation. I can't even earnestly research like I used to because I'm just so fucking sad all the time.

I'm not saying everyone is ignoring me. No it feels like it's mostly two-three people. Most everyone else is fine. The only reason why I'm so hurt about it is because it's two-three people that I talk to the most.

I just feel like when other people are feeling sad or hurt or upset it's okay. But... when it's me? Not a chance. I can't feel hurt or angry or upset because it's not their emotions. I almost feel like there's three or four people that I can honestly tell them that I'm upset and the worst part is I'm not even upset or angry or anything with them.

With them I'm feeling fine and great and happy just to be talking to them. For that short time everything that hurts doesn't matter.

I figure I'm just throwing everything out of proportion but I really think that's just what I'd like to do right now.

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone

All my dreams pass before my eyes in curiosity. ~ Sarah Brightman: Dust in the Wind