I can't even get pissed when I feel I have reason to because then I get told "Don't get pissy" and if I try to express my emotions to the people online where the wording can be more refined I just get blocked or blown off. I don't feel like I can win.
It's small things. Being asked to bring something to someone when they're right next to it. Being asked to do something while I'm on the other side of the house and the person asking me is much closer.
When it comes down to it I'm just feeling really lonely right now.
There are forty-four Role Play Documents on my Gmail account right now and they are all dead or dying. On all but two of them I was the last one to post. And in the end all I get is a goddamn 'sorry' because they aren't responding because they just love the newest RP they started.
I would be fine with this if I wasn't being ignored almost every time I try to start a conversation. Sure I don't have much to contribute but it would be easier if the answers I got were more than one word. I can't even listen to certain songs without feeling depressed and they're fantastic songs that I used to love. I have a journal dedicated to the writings of one character and I haven't even written in that because it feels weird because I know that no one who is a part of the original idea really cares. I mean, sure, there's about four RPs that are going strong and I love both of those but those aren't always constantly posted in. It can be days before there's a response.
What I hate even more is that things I used to love hearing aren't affecting me anymore. Being told 'I love you' from friends does virtually nothing anymore. I feel like they're just empty words said because they used to be said all the time. I keep telling myself I'm going to stay offline and I keep coming back on because each day I hope it's going to change and I know that it won't.
I talk to my mom about this and all I'm being told is 'Make more friends' and my point is that I don't want to but I need to because what I'm actually feeling is being ignored.
I think what makes me stop talking about it is the fact that there was one time when I did express my emotions via a status on Gmail and two people who were logged on were surprised that I used the word 'fuck' multiple times and said how angry I was. They were saying that it's because of that that they always consider me 'God' because I'm never really emotional.
At the same time I'm now constantly told that a person can't talk to me when I'm angry because I don't get angry.
I don't even know if I should anymore!
My whole life has been about seeing people get angry and what happens in the end and it's destroying everything. I feel like I never got to have a full-blown idea on living because it kept changing because the people kept changing.
I can't be angry because I shouldn't be angry but when I do try to express my anger the only thing that changes is that my words become harsher. I don't lash out at anyone, I don't call people names and I'm not cruel. My words become harsher. Why can't I just sound harsh for thirty minutes without being told to 'relax' or 'stop being pissy'? Of course, the rest of them can be as emotional as they damn well please and they can lash out and they can be cruel and they can be harsh. But I can't do a damn thing because I'm emotional!
I'm just fucking lonely and now I'm mostly ignored when I try to start a conversation. I can't even earnestly research like I used to because I'm just so fucking sad all the time.
I'm not saying everyone is ignoring me. No it feels like it's mostly two-three people. Most everyone else is fine. The only reason why I'm so hurt about it is because it's two-three people that I talk to the most.
I just feel like when other people are feeling sad or hurt or upset it's okay. But... when it's me? Not a chance. I can't feel hurt or angry or upset because it's not their emotions. I almost feel like there's three or four people that I can honestly tell them that I'm upset and the worst part is I'm not even upset or angry or anything with them.
With them I'm feeling fine and great and happy just to be talking to them. For that short time everything that hurts doesn't matter.
I figure I'm just throwing everything out of proportion but I really think that's just what I'd like to do right now.
I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes in curiosity. ~ Sarah Brightman: Dust in the Wind
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