So I suppose the real reason why I feel the sudden urge to post something is the fact that I'm worried. There's a few people in this world I feel comfortable telling everything to and that's Cici, Kay and... well I guess that's actually it. The issue I've run in to is the thing I always feared. I never told people everything because I felt it would weigh too heavily on their minds. After years and years and years of being told it wouldn't I've started to give in and just tell people. I've been sick of it and suicidal for about six years and it's gotten to a point where I mentally (and physically I guess) can not take it anymore. So I've started to tell people what's been going on in my mind, with my life, how I feel, what I want, what I wish, what I love and what I think I don't deserve.
Yeah, I guess I was right the first time.
I need to go back to bottling everything up because people are started to take what I'm saying to heart and it's starting to affect how they think and act. Because of my own stupidity with words I'm entirely unable to let them know how I was able to get from point A to point Q by actually going through all of the letters of the alphabet. The issue is when you jump from one point to the other the person you're talking to will connect them incorrectly and think you're talking point A to point B and then I have to stop and let them know that no, actually there was a few more points in there that got me there.
The second they switch your point A to Q to their own point A to B you've lost them and they're immediately starting to compare your feelings to their own and fucking themselves up in the process.
Sure. I'm kinda in love. (Trust me, this is the connected thing I was talking about). I'm completely in love and talking to the boy makes me hopeful and sad and weary and happy and excited and nervous and feel safe. I'm terrified to think too much on it.
But here's the thing.
Now that I've started to share all my emotions people are comparing their relationships to mine. They're starting to think that there's aren't perfect or wonderful or right when in fact it's what's right for them.
On top of being in love with my boy I'm terrified of the fact of things going farther than they are and faster (even if it took roughly ten and a half months for us to have our first kiss and neither of us can feel comfortable holding hands because we both very obviously need our hands to speak).
BUT here's where it all ties together.
I tell friends about my fears and my feelings and I think it's ruining what they think of themselves. I feel like a person I know is trying to find some kind of relationship because she feels useless but the truth is she's not. I feel like I've been trying to tell her I care and I want her to be happy but the biggest issue is that I can't help her deal with her own feelings when I can hardly control my own.
She likes to lean on me, physically that is, and she likes to put her head on my shoulder and quite frankly for the most part I just hate being touched. I know it hurts her a bit which is why I've been trying to turn it in to a game but I honestly hate being touched. It irritates me and makes me feel awkward and strange and weak and vulnerable even if it's her putting her forehead on my shoulder and not touching me in any other way. I just can not stand it.
Okay, I can stand holding hands sometimes. I can stand hugs from the front (back is just... God no I hate those). I can even stand someone's and on my side or lower back and even my neck. Hell, I can even stand someone's hand on my knee or thigh for certain length of time. It's just my shoulders and upper back that makes me cringe. Of course, that's not where you're supposed to feel comfortable so no one thinks that you can be calmed down with a simple touch to somewhere like that. They always go for the upper arm or the shoulder or a nice pat on the back and every single one of those throws me in to a near anxiety/panic attack.
Hell. Even if someone touches my boobs I'm okay. See? These aren't normal things.
However, this is where I have the problem.
Because one of my friends is constantly looking for the idea of being held I can't give her that comfortably. I might be able to for a while but mostly it just irks me and drives me nuts and makes me want to cry my eyes out because that person over there has their hand on my shoulder for too long.
I know that she seeks comfort and I know she wants to be held, she's even told me that but I need to tell her that I'm just not the right person to be able to give her that.
Quite frankly it drives me nuts.
I want to be able to have someone surprise me and come up behind me. I want to be able to stand there or sit there holding someone for extended periods of time without feeling awkward or worried or scared or damn near about to freak the fuck out just because they're too close.
I have a tendency to feel bad when my life seems to be going okay.
But why?
Because when my life is complete and utter shit almost everyone else's life is fucking fantastic and I'm bringing down the life of the party. Of course, when my life is actually reaching a point where it's stable it feels like everyone else's is falling to complete shit.
See my issue?
I want to help but I can't because if I'm happy and they're sad I feel like I'm failing but I can't help when they're happy because then they don't have a problem that I can help with!
Right now my life is steady as it can be with the bastard still in the family picture x.x
But of course as I mentioned before: At least three of my friends are having biggish problems.
One is breaking up with the first guy she ever told she loves.
One broke up with a guy she loved and her home life is utter shit.
And one is pretty much feeling so deprived of being needed or wanted that she's starting to spiral in to a depression but of course everyone around her is doing okay so she at least has to pretend that she's okay.
The first one we saw coming. She's actually starting to do well.
The second one I'm working to drill in to her head that she is loved and needed and that I can always be there.
The third one is kind of lying to me I feel.
She says she's doing fine and that nothing is wrong and when she says it I know it's a lie but I can't bring myself to call her out on it because I hate when people call me out on my lies because I feel I need at least one delusion to keep me sane and stable.
It's quite honestly pissing me off. As far as I know I've shown no time where I've ever tried to make her feelings less than they are I've just tried to help her understand them better and maybe I haven't done fantastic with that but honestly I have so many other problems that it doesn't even matter and I'm seriously considering changing some things over the break so I can't serve as a distraction of any kind but of course I'm only a distraction because I'm an easy distraction and without me she'd very easily find something else to be distracted by almost instantly.
We joke about how one time she finished her chocolate and said "I have no reason to be here anymore."
But quite honestly?
That really fucking hurt.
I often times feel I'm not wanted and consider suicide but when it all comes down to it I know that suicide would be a horrible idea.
On top of that I feel like whenever I tell her my problems it mostly turns in to a "my life is worse than yours so suck it up" thing which is why I want to stop telling her my problems. I'm not trying to belittle hers or make her feel less than she deserves but I think I'm failing because quite honestly I've gone about twelve years without sharing all of my issues and it's starting to actually drive me nuts.
Brought down to it I've been sick for the last six to eight months because I've been so stressed my body won't heal. I know I need shoulder surgery because I can't move it too much or it hurts like hell and I know I need knee surgery because it's doing the same thing.
I feel like I'm holding everyone back and the issue is is that when I get in to one of my moods where I'm entirely indifferent?
I'm actually entirely indifferent.
I don't feel anything. I become completely shut-down and not even worth talking to.
I always used to think I wouldn't end up being one of those girls that worried about how she looked, acted, seemed, smelled, or reacted in front of a guy. Nor did I think I'd be one of those girls who is so distracted by the fact that he exists that I have a tendency to ignore other people.
It's not on purpose and I sometimes am able to balance it... until I have to say goodbye to my boy. Then we're gone for at least an hour because I have to say goodbye.
Because I'm fighting with telling him I love him.
Because I want to kiss him.
Because I want to be near him because he's one of the few people where the 'do not like being touched' rule somehow doesn't apply.
Of course, when I try to tell people I'm having all these issues they jump straight from my point A to Q and move along straight to point A to B and confuse themselves somewhere in between and think I'm terrified and over-joyed because I simply love him when it all comes down to the fact that I'm terrified and over-joyed not only because I love him but because he's the only guy that some of my own feelings don't apply to which is a wonderful thing.
When it all comes down to it I'm worried about my family, my relationships and my friends.
I want my family to stop lying to each other.
I want my relationship to feel so second nature to me that I one day just look at him and say 'I love you.'
I want my friends to start confiding in me again because I'm so sick of the secrets and so tired of the lies.
The family will come with time.
My relationship will as well.
I've started to call my friends out on their shit and I'm going to continue doing that because quite honestly they're the ones that are driving me the most insane.
This is really just a rant without a key point. It's things I need to get out while managing to leave out some other less important details about myself.
Now son, I'm only telling you this because life... can do terrible things. -- "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade
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